So this morning I woke up and readied for my day. I prepared my husband's breakfast and lunch and got him out the door. Then God bombarded me. My reading this morning was about coming to God without a mask, without pretense, without trying to be something I'm not. As if that would work anyway. Then I watched a Joyce Meyer episode about having faith and being real enough to not fake it. The song "Just As I Am" got stuck in my head. I searched on YouTube and found this version. I turned on my instrumental station on Pandora. What was playing? "Just As I Am"
Am I the only one or do you thing God is trying to get my attention this morning?
I want to be "real" for people, but it's hard sometimes. Some people don't really want to know "me." They want a superficial relationship that doesn't dig deep into reality. So I show them a different face - the one that is not fazed by life.
Then there's God. I want to be perfect for Him. I try so hard. I fail Him often, though. He knows all that, and He loves me still. He wants me to come to Him just as I am. He doesn't want me to pretend - or at least "feel" like I have to pretend - to be something I'm not.
My question is: Who am I? I've been what others expect of me so long that I don't know anymore. Am I more than a wife and mother, housekeeper and cook, teacher and disciplinarian? Is this a common mid-life crisis thing for women? Do all women go through a moment in their lives when they don't know who they are?
I've been a wife for 20 1/2 years and a mother for 19 1/2 years, about half my life. Is there more to me than this? Where does the real me come in?
So this seems like a depressing kind of post, but I'm going to leave it. I'm trying hard to be "real." Even if "I" don't like the real me at the moment.
Ever under HIS wings
Ever trying to be better
Ever falling and then trying again